


The Love You Can Find Dying

by xfrancesca



Category: Spartacus: Vengeance
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Character Death, Falling In Love, Gen, M/M, Travel, Wordcount: 5.000-15.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-26
Updated: 2012-06-12
Packaged: 2017-11-04 08:08:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/391643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xfrancesca/pseuds/xfrancesca
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nasir has only six months left to live, and he's determined to make it count.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Discovery

**Author's Note:**

> A mix of Nagron and Pana's new movie "The Most Fun You Can Have Dying".

The day Nasir found out he only had six months to live, he didn't even cry. He was in complete disbelief for the first couple of hours, and kept thinking that he was asleep, that this was some horrible, horrible nightmare and he would soon wake up in his bed and everything would be alright, but that wasn't the case.

The first person he called was Chadara, and when she came over to his place and he told her, she did enough crying for the both of them.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she said while tiny streams ran down her face, smearing her makeup. "I shouldn't be crying, you're so strong, so strong..." and she hid her face in the front of his shirt and sobbed. He held her tight and gently rocked back and forth, brushing her golden-blonde hair from her face.

"I love you," she kissed him on the lips, and Nasir kissed her back harder than ever. She was his best friend since childhood. He had never known anyone sweeter or more caring, and he felt guilty for telling her something that would upset her so.

 

 

He tried telling his brother over the phone that night, but he couldn't get the words out. Nasir sat in his small apartment in Queens while his brother, who lived in Passaic county in New Jersey, talked to him about how his youngest daughter got into trouble for hitting a girl in school, and how his wife kept annoying him because he's been coming home late from work, and all the other things that a married man should talk about.

"Mom said you should call her," Karif said. "She said you're becoming too anti-social. Dad's getting mad too. You can't just stop talking to your family, Nasir."

"I haven't stopped talking to you," Nasir said.

"But they're your  _parents_ . You're going to regret it when they're gone from this world."

Nasir couldn't help but laugh.

  
  


The next night, he fell in love. Deep down, Nasir knew he should be making great plans, and spend the next six months living life to the fullest because that's all he had left. Instead, he decided to be retrospective for a day and come night time, he went all the way to Brooklyn just to check out a bar that Chadara told him about Once Upon a Time. The atmosphere was nice, but there were far too many college kids for his liking. Nasir himself was only twenty-three, but _damnit_ , he hated immature assholes. He sat on a bar stool and was nursing his third beer when a man walked up to him.

Nasir looked at him curiously; he was a big, muscular guy, with short-cropped light brown hair and vivid green eyes. He smiled at Nasir and he saw the man had the most charming dimples in his cheeks. 

"If I had a nickle for every time a guy took my breath away, I'd have five cents," the guy said. Nasir stared at him for a good ten seconds, long enough that the guy's smile slowly faltered and he looked uncomfortable. But before he could leave, Nasir cracked a smile and began to laugh. The guy smiled back and sat down at the empty stool next to him.

"That was so bad it was good," Nasir said.

"Thanks," he said. "Now, may I know your name for my modeling agency?"

Nasir laughed again and felt happier than he had in a while.

"Nasir," he said, sticking his hand out. The man took his hand and brought it up to his mouth, and kissed his knuckles.

"And I am Agron," he said with a smirk.


	2. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Nasir live his last months to the fullest?

Nasir woke up the next morning in a bed, in a Brooklyn apartment, with a German named Agron spooning him. He wasn't usually a one-night stand type of guy, but there was this great urge to rush everything since he found out he was dying two days ago. Perhaps the next six months would feel like a week, and that was the scariest thing imaginable.

_"Hey, if you want, maybe we could hang out sometime, and, I don't know..." Agron had offered at the bar. They had been sitting together for about an hour, and with another two beers inside of him, Nasir was feeling bold and restless._

_"Or we could hang out tonight." Sometime throughout the night, his hair tie was taken out and his straight black hair hung down over his shoulders. He pushed some of it away from his face and looked at the German, who seemed to be confused. "You live around here, right?" He clarified. Agron nodded._

_As soon as Agron had opened the door to his apartment, they were both in there, pressing against each other and kissing in his hallway. Agron spared only a second to lock the door behind them, and Nasir pressed his hands against the other man's chest and pushed him back against the wall with a smirk. Agron smiled back and they kissed again, with Nasir's hand tangled in Agron's hair, keeping him there._

Agron stirred and pulled Nasir closer to him in his sleepy daze, pressing his nose against the back of Nasir's neck and breathing him in. Nasir couldn't help the smile on his face, even if this was just a stranger who didn't know him (and probably wasn't interested in anything more than sex), it was nice to have human contact that wasn't platonic.

  
  


  
  


Nasir had left as soon as Agron had woken up (even though the man kept saying he could stay and he'd make them breakfast and  _it's okay, really Nasir, you don't have to run off,_ followed by _okay, if you're really going to go then at least have my number._ ), and although it took him a few minutes to find out exactly  _where_ in Brooklyn he was (they had taken a cab from the bar to Agron's apartment), he eventually found a subway station.

He had to stop at the Times Square terminal to transfer to the train that would take him back into Queens, but he was stopped by a familiar face. Nasir often passed by that same spot whenever he would venture out to Manhattan, and more often than not, there was a boy of no more than eighteen years of age standing in a particular corner of the station, playing guitar and singing in a sad-sweet voice that often made Nasir's heart clench. Most people paid the boy no attention, and to be honest, neither did Nasir (other than dropping the occasional dollar into the hat he had set out in front of him).

This time, he didn't pass by, but he stopped, and watched as the boy finished up one of his songs. His young, slender fingers moved over the strings skillfully, and for the first time, Nasir wondered exactly what the story was behind this man.

When he had finished his song, Nasir smiled at him and dug into his pocket, pulling a twenty dollar bill out of his wallet and dropping it into the black hat on the ground.

"Thanks, man," the kid said. He had a great smile, but there was sorrow behind his eyes, something Nasir knew all too well of.

"You're really good," Nasir offered. The boy smiled and picked up his bottle of water, taking a swig from it.

"I have to be. I do this enough." He was dark of skin with short, black hair, and a lithe frame. Around his neck was a thin silver chain, which stood out from the rest of his modest attire.

"I'm Nasir." He didn't know exactly why he introduced himself, but he felt as if he  _had_ to.

"Pietros," said the boy.

"So," Nasir said as he leaned against the wall. "What's your story?"

Pietros' smile faltered. "Can you guess? Typical gay kid that gets thrown out of the house and now roams the Big Apple looking for his break."

Nasir nodded, and Pietros looked to be more interested now. "And you? What made you stop and talk to me?"

Nasir looked out at the people scurrying about in the station. Running here, running there, constantly going places but ending up no where. And then, in the middle of it all, a sad boy with big eyes and a soul. A boy that plays guitar and sings to everyone, and reaches hardly anyone.

"I'm dying," he said finally. 

"Aren't we all?" Pietros laughed. "Regardless of how or when, we're all dying. I could already be dead for all you know," he smirked. 

Nasir grinned. "Then I might be seeing you again sooner than I thought."

  
  


  
  


That night, Nasir stood in front of his bathroom mirror and stared at himself. He didn't  _look_ like he was dying. He took his ponytail out and let his hair flow around his shoulders. In an instant, he was thinking about green eyes. Green eyes and dirty blond hair and dimples. A nice laugh and a sparkling smile and  _life_ . Agron.

He picked up the scissors on the edge of the sink and brought it up to his face. Nasir couldn't help but feel smug as he grabbed a portion of his long, dark hair, and cut a good portion from it, so it hung just above his chin. He tilted his head to one side and admired the portion of hair that was now different from all the others. Slowly, but surely, he  _snip, snip, snipped_ until it was at a uniform length. He put the scissors down and ran his fingers through his hair, marvelling at how quickly they passed through all of it. He had always enjoyed keeping his hair long, but it seemed useless now.

Nasir was suddenly aware of the cell phone in his pocket and pulled it out, scrolling through the contacts. He stopped at (347)282-0821. _Agron_ . He inhaled deeply and gathered the courage to press the call button. He picked up after only a couple of rings, and Nasir felt a great weight lifted off his shoulders at the sound of his voice. It was almost as if he could  _hear_ Agron's smile.

"Let's go to the beach tomorrow," Nasir said.

Agron's response was a simple  _Yes_ .


	3. Questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nasir asks Agron and Chadara.

Nasir and Agron sat in the sand. Since it was the beginning of September, the beach was still open to visitors, but they came less and less frequently. Therefore when the two men sat watching the last hour of the sun before it set, and the ebb and flow of the tides, there were few around them to spoil the silence.

He realized that Agron was taking this all in stride; the fact that he had been acting so oddly and yet Agron didn't hesitate when he was asked to go to the beach with him. Maybe it meant something. Maybe Agron  _was_ interested in more than that one night of sex.

Nasir sat indian-style, facing the ocean, but couldn't resist the urge to face the man next to him instead. When he did, a smile graced his lips at the realization that Agron had been looking at him, not the tide.

"Isn't is beautiful?" Nasir inquired. Agron nodded without taking his eyes off of him.

"Certainly is."

  
  


Earlier that day, Nasir had made a couple of phone calls and managed to transfer all of his money from his savings, CDs, and the account to which his parents sent him money every month but he's never touched, all into one account.

Afterwards he called Chadara, and she came over to his place with smoothies and organic oatmeal cookies she baked herself, and when Nasir said he needed to ask her something important they retreated to their usual spot.

They sat on his bed, facing each over, with a thin sheet over their heads, and the light that surrounded him was tinged blue from the color of the sheet.

"I want to go," he finally said. The smoothie was freezing his hands, but he didn't want to take a sip yet. Chadara took a bite of her cookie and crumbs fell on the bed. Neither of them minded.

"Go where?" She asked, green eyes large and questioning as she chewed.

"Europe," He answered simply. "Maybe Paris, maybe London."

"But," she began, and Nasir expected this. Chadara was a good friend, and a very sweet person, but she was a homebody if there ever was one. She was happy being at home with her boyfriend and her Dalmation. She was also happy with Nasir being where he was, living only five minutes away by car, always there when she needed advice or a shoulder to cry on, but most importantly,  _alive._

"Do it," he pleaded, grabbing her wrists, and the look on her face displayed shock at the action. "I'm sorry," he loosened his grip. The cookie fell on the bed between the two of them. 

"I want you to come with me," he continued.

She was silent for a while, but finally, she gave her answer.

  
  


And now, he was going to ask Agron the same thing. Nasir had only met the man twice (considering today), and they've had sex once, but he could feel  _something_ . That something had never been there before, and probably never will be again. He'd been in relationships before, and he'd had strong feelings for other people, but this was different. He found himself enamoured with the German, and the more he thought about going away; leaving the country and going on an adventure, the more he believed he needed this man by his side the entire journey.

"Have you ever done something spontaneous?" Nasir asked. Agron smiled and shrugged.

"You mean like this?" He laughed. Nasir smiled back and Agron placed a hand on his shoulder, squeezing softly.

"No," Nasir admitted, "not like this. Have you ever dropped everything and roamed Europe with a man you just met the other night?"

The look on Agron's face made Nasir's heart beat fast, because he looked confused, and wary, and unsure, and Nasir just wanted to take back what he said. Maybe it wasn't in the stars for Agron to come with him.

"I don't even know you," Agron said, sounding mournful.

"You can get to know me," Nasir said, barely above a whisper. "I'll pay for everything--"

"It's not about the money," he interjected, and Nasir felt his heart drop. He knew he should have waited another month, or two, or three, but why would he? "Just... give me some time," Agron pleaded. He sounded sincere, like he was really going to think it over.

Nasir nodded, and he laid back in the sand, right next to Agron. He looked up at the slowly-darkening sky and the clouds that moved slowly across the great blue expanse. When he and Chadara were children, they would lay down at the playground, or one of their backyards, look up at the sky and see shapes in the clouds. Sometimes they would make wild stories out of the images they saw; dragons and wizards and great mountains and evil witches. Then when they were teenagers they would see slightly more vulgar images and the stories were less kid-friendly. Then they just stopped. He wish they hadn't.

Agron laid down next to him, shoulder to shoulder. The sand was warm and comforting underneath them.

"I see a koi fish," he said. Nasir made an inquisitive sound and Agron pointed it out with his finger. "Look, over there," and there it was, a koi fish swimming alone in the great blue sea.

"Where's it's counterpart?" Nasir asked, half-joking. "Koi fish can represent the yin and yang, so why is this one alone?" 

"Maybe its other half swam away," Agron offered, that wonderful smile on his face.

They laid there in silence for a while, and when their fingertips touched, Agron took Nasir's hand in his and interlaced their fingers.

"Why'd you cut your hair?" He asked. Nasir turned his face and looked at Agron's profile.

"I wanted a change."

Agron looked at him as well, and there they were, swimming in the expanse of each other's eyes. Nasir wanted to kiss him. 

Agron made the first move, and kissed him instead.

"Yes," he said when he pulled away. It took Nasir a second to realize, but when Agron looked at him with those honest green eyes, he understood. He had his answer.


	4. Introductions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Agron and Chadara finally meet, and the London trip is nearing upon them.

The flight to London was booked. Nasir was soon to be on his way to a place he'd always wanted to visit, with his best friend and Agron.

"What do you mean you haven't told him about your... situation?" Chadara asked. They were at Central Park on a warm Saturday afternoon, a blanket spread out beneath them and their stomachs filled.

"He doesn't need to know--"

"Nasir!" She looked angry. Her curled blond hair shined in the sun and made her look like a pouting angel of sorts. Nasir smiled and took another sip of his water.

"He doesn't need to know  _now_ ," he explained.

Chadara sighed and looked out at the people surrounding them. Parents playing with children, friends throwing footballs or tossing Frisbees back and forth. 

"Do you love him?" She asked, and Nasir choked on his water.

"What?" He asked after he was able to catch his breath, his eyes brimming with tears and his throat burning. She shrugged.

"I just wanted to know."

"I've known him for two weeks now," Nasir said. "That's kind of..."

She scoffed. "I fell in love with Donar the first time we met," she said gently. "Time doesn't matter. Not now, not ever. You should know that better than me."

Nasir hated being reminded. "Yeah, I know."

  
  


  
  


"I'm not, uh," Nasir looked up at the giant structure. "I'm not a huge fan of heights," he admitted. 

Agron laughed and placed an arm across Nasir's shoulders. "Why do you think I said you should come to Coney Island? Definitely not for the beach again."

Nasir groaned inwardly. Even in the situation he was in now, he wasn't rushing to sky dive or cliff jump or white-water raft or... go on a Ferris wheel.

Agron held him a little closer. "Come on," he pleaded, and then stepped in front of Nasir, bending down so he could be eye-level. "It'll be great. You won't regret it." When Nasir still looked unsure, Agron couldn't help but smirk. "I'm going to London with you, you can go on a Ferris wheel with me."

"Fine," he finally said.

Nasir kept his eyes open on the ride until they were about twenty feet off the ground, after which he screwed his eyes shut and tried to remember to breath. Agron's hand was warm in his, and Nasir tried not to squeeze it too hard, but he couldn't help it. When they finally reached the top and came to halt, Nasir groaned at the feeling of their little metal box of death swinging back and forth.

"Open your eyes," Agron whispered before placing a soft kiss to his temple. Nasir inhaled deeply and opened his eyes, and was stunned at how high they were and how...  _wonderful_ everything looked. The sky was dark but the park below them shone with lights of all different colors, flashing like little stars. He could hear the screams of people from the other side of the park, where the thrill rides were located, and found that he wasn't terrified or sick to his stomach. He turned to Agron and smiled.

"See?" Agron said, his smile brighter than all of those lights below them combined. "It's not that bad."

Nasir chuckled. "Yeah, I was just being stupid."

"Don't say that," Agron said softly. He leaned in and Nasir barely hesitated before eliminating the space between them and kissing him.

  
  


It was time for Agron and Chadara to actually meet each other. He had informed them individually that "someone else" was coming along as well, but he never told Chadara about Agron, an d he never told Agron about her, so he decided it was best to do it before they actually left together.

They went out to dinner one night, Chadara and Nasir meeting Agron there. Nasir wore one of the few suits he owned, while Chadara wore a short blue dress that did nothing but make her look even more stunning. Her hair was straightened and a thin white gold necklace rested atop her skin. 

Agron, in his opinion, was the best looking person in the building. It must have been the suit he wore paired with the light blue tie, or his smile, or maybe it was just the way he looked at Nasir. They ate well and drank wine and although it was relatively silent in the beginning, Agron and Chadara slowly began warming up to each other. It got only better when Chadara mentioned something about her boyfriend and Agron's interest piqued.

"What did you say his name was?" He asked.

"Donar," she said, in that same dreamy way she always said his name. It's already been two years and she's still madly in love with him.

Agron asked what his last name was, and after Chadara told him he seemed even more excited. Nasir raised an eyebrow and took a sip of his wine. 

"I know him," Agron said with a smile. "We were close friends in college."

Chadara looked surprised. "Really? He's never mentioned an Agron."

Agron shrugged. "Yeah, we had a falling out of sorts, but he's a great guy. How is he doing?"

They seemed to get along great after that, and Nasir felt so relieved at the fact. Those two were the most important people in his life right now, and the fact that they liked each other sat well with him. When Donar came to pick up Chadara and take her home, there was an awkward sort of reunion with Agron in which they hugged and made small talk, but it seemed forced in some ways. 

They left and Agron turned to Nasir, his green eyes seemingly twinkling.

"You look amazing," he said. "If you were an angel you'd be a really hot one."

Nasir laughed at the return of the bad pick-up lines. He placed a hand behind Agron's neck and pulled him down.

"You don't need to use those lines on me anymore," he said. "You already have me."

They sealed it with a kiss.


	5. Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> London.

 "This," Agron started as he closed the door behind him. He paused and took a moment to look around the large hotel room; the giant flat-screen and the King-sized bed with what appeared to be silk sheets. The cream-colored carpet and the beautiful paintings that adorned the walls. It was all so lavish. He walked over to the large windows on the other side of the room and looked out. He could see so much of London from their elevated perch. 

"This is amazing," Agron finally finished. He turned and looked at the other man.

Nasir laid in bed with his hands underneath his head and stared at the ceiling. This certainly was a far cry from his tiny apartment in Queens. It was an even further cry from the one bedroom apartment he used to live in with his family in Chicago when he was younger. Nasir and his brother had slept in a pull-out couch in the living room for a good portion of their childhoods. 

He stretched and felt the silk sheets beneath him, and he couldn't remember the last time he had felt so good. It only got better when Agron laid next to him. Nasir smiled and he felt his heart swell the way it always did when the other man was near him. Agron turned to his side and pressed a kiss to Nasir's temple, laying an arm across his body. His weight kept Nasir grounded in more ways than one.

"Who  _are_ you?" Agron whispered. His eyes were closed and he inhaled the scent of Nasir's hair. It reminded him of a forest. Fresh. Green.  _Wild._

Nasir smirked. "You know who I am," he said, but he knew what Agron meant.

Agron shook his head and kissed Nasir's jaw, right below his ear.

"Who takes a complete stranger on a trip to Europe after only a few weeks of knowing him and then insists on paying for everything? Is this some kind of hidden camera show?" Agron chuckled. "Is this a joke?"

Nasir tensed. "No," he said, trying to hide his reaction with a lightness in his tone. "This isn't a joke."

Agron sensed that Nasir wasn't being entirely honest about the situation, but he decided to let it go. Agron couldn't fault Nasir for something he as well had trouble doing. Instead, he ran his hand down to Nasir's belt. His lips hovered only centimeters away from Nasir's ear.

"I think this bed is a bit too neat right now, wouldn't you agree?" He whispered gruffly.

Nasir wanted to laugh. Agron was always a charmer, but the thought escaped him once Agron's hand was down his jeans and his lips were on Nasir's.

Later on that night, Chadara texted Nasir to say that  _even though my room is across the hall i can still hear you two you know..._

  
  


The next night, Nasir saw Agron throw a punch. It was a pretty impressive punch too, considering his target was an asshole that started a fight with him in a bar. They had a great time sightseeing that day, and aside from some light drizzling the weather was pretty pleasant as well. Chadara decided to join them for a drink at a bar, and they were all having a good conversation made only better by the amount of alcohol flowing through them, when a stranger sitting at a table a few feet away yelled out something towards them.

Honestly, Nasir didn't even hear what the guy had said. He just felt Agron tense from where he sat next to him and when he looked up, Agron's jaw was tense and he was baring his teeth a little, like a wild dog.

"Calm your fucking cock, asshole!" Agron shouted back at the guy. Nasir and Chadara exchanged a look and tried to keep from laughing because if anything, that curse was certainly inventive.

The guy said something, and Nasir could've sworn he heard the word faggot in there, and how fucking  _typical_ . Nasir touched Agron's shoulder but Agron pulled away, and soon he and the blond guy were standing face to face, and the all of the bar patron's eyes were on them. 

The insult-slinging guy was drunker than he thought he was. Maybe that was what provoked him to make the first move and shove Agron. The German had been  _waiting_ for that, and his fist became acquainted with the guy's face in no time.

While the man was bent over and blood steadily dripped from his nose, Nasir and Chadara took the opportunity to pull Agron out of the bar before he got arrested. Agron was still muttering about it when they left.

  
  


Agron sat on the toilet lid while Nasir rubbed some Neosporin on his reddened knuckles.

"You get angry too easily," Nasir said. Agron took his hand away to survey the damage, a slight scowl on his face. Nasir leaned against the sink and watched him, arms crossed in front of his chest.

"You're too nice," Agron said. He looked up at Nasir with slightly glazed, unfocused eyes. He wasn't too drunk but he certainly wasn't sober.

"Not true," Nasir corrected. "I have my moments." Oh  _god_ , did he have his moments. He had his moments with his parents and with his exes, and almost all of his friends. Nasir was fiercely loyal, but only when he felt it was worth it, and he had been underestimated too many times.

Agron scoffed. "Yeah, right. You're like, an angel."

Nasir couldn't help but laugh at that, but Agron's eyes were wide and honest and intent on him. Agron reached out and pulled Nasir to him, wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his head against Nasir's abdomen.

"I wonder when you'll tell me why you're doing this," Agron mumbled against Nasir's shirt. He nuzzled his face against the fabric and Nasir's hands found their way to the German's short hair.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Nasir said soothingly. Agron just smiled. He was too tired and Nasir smelled too good.

"Okay, Nasir," he said, "if that is your _real_ name."

"Oh, come on," Nasir chuckled. "Let's go to bed."

"Mm," Agron hummed. "I'm feelin' lucky."


	6. Risk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nasir was never a gambling man, until now.

“I have bad luck when it comes to gambling,” Agron admitted as he adjusted his tie.

“Really?” Chadara asked. They had gathered in the hotel room that Nasir and Agron shared and got ready for the night ahead of them. She handed Nasir her necklace and held her hair up as she turned her back to him so he could deftly clasp it.

Agron nodded and stepped away from the mirror, standing next to Nasir instead. “I went to Vegas once and lost almost five thousand dollars. I'm never doing that again.”

“Well, it'll be different tonight,” Nasir assured him with a smile.

“Oh really?” Agron smirked. His dark green tie brought out his eye color, and Nasir tried to not stare. Excitement thrummed through the Syrian's body. Something good was going to happen tonight, he could _feel_ it. He nervously smoothed out invisible wrinkles in his suit and his bow tie felt a bit too tight at that moment, but it wasn't necessarily an unpleasant feeling.

“Nasir's a lucky guy,” Chadara said as she reapplied her red lipstick in front of her reflection.

“Nah,” Agron shook his head. “He definitely isn't.”

Nasir looked up at him and pretended to take offense, a playful smirk on his face.

“ _I_ am,” Agron clarified with a wink.

Nasir didn't voice his disagreement.

 

 

Chadara was especially good at blackjack, and while the men at the table tried to avert their eyes from her, she kept busy by winning and taking all of their money. Nasir wasn't the gambling type beforehand, but tonight was certainly an exception. He didn't care much if he lost a good amount of his money because that wasn't the point of the night. Before the trio had left the hotel, they drank some champagne and Nasir received a kiss for good luck from Agron. It seemed to do the trick.

Nasir and Agron stuck to playing roulette for the night, and it was treating them exceptionally well. At the beginning of the night the Syrian had said _always bet on black_ , and he remained true to his word which resulted in them more than doubling their initial money. Soon there was a small crowd around them while the people that were betting against them seemed to become increasingly frustrated.

“What day of the month were you born on?” Nasir asked Agron. The German grinned, his green eyes gleaming and his cheeks flushed from the constant adrenaline of seeing Nasir win every bet he had placed so far.

“The seventeenth,” Agron finally said, but he touched the other man's arm and cautioned, “but don't bet on it, that's risky.” So far Nasir had been able to guess the color and whether the number would be odd or even, but he hadn't bet on an individual number. Yet.

Nasir smirked, and pushed a stack of his chips onto the number  _17_ . “What's anything without a little risk, huh?” Agron felt his heart rate increase. Nasir had just bet a lot of money on the day of Agron's birth, and he didn't want it to be a fluke.

The other betters at the table as well as the small crowd surrounding them watched in anticipation as all the bets were placed and the wheel was spun. Agron's hand found Nasir's and he squeezed a little, reassuring either himself or Nasir, he wasn't too sure.

Nasir had a smile on his face as he watched the ball spin around and around the wheel. It seemed to last forever, Agron's hands trembled but Nasir was as calm, controlled. He observed the wheel spin with a sort of morbid curiosity, brown eyes intent until it finally landed on a number.

“Seventeen,” the dealer called out, and suddenly Nasir was in Agron's arms and his heart was threatening to beat out of his chest and he was smiling,  _laughing_ , and so was Agron. Their lips met and the world melted away. The baffled cries of the people that had bet against them, the whispers of the audience they had gathered, the sound of chips being pushed towards Nasir, all were ignored in favor of the taste of Agron's lips and the joy he felt at that moment.

 

 

They made a gamble of another kind when Agron and Nasir had gone out for a walk one day (Chadara said she wasn't feeling well and stayed in at the hotel), and did something equally as risky. They had both woken up relatively early, and took their time to have breakfast then found a park nearby that would grant them some fresh air and a place to simply converse.

“I never did this too often before,” Nasir said as he walked alongside the German. He couldn't resist the urge to kick the fallen leaves that were piled on the ground. Red, yellow, orange. The colors of Autumn, the warning signs of a cold winter to come. Nasir had quickly calculated last night while he was in bed with a sleeping Agron that he would end up dying in February. Nasir was starting to not like the thought of an oncoming winter.

“Do what too often?” Agron looked at him, his green eyes the warmest thing Nasir saw at that moment. The cool air had caused Agron's cheeks to redden slightly, and he wore the wool hat and scarf that Nasir picked out for him. Nasir shrugged his shoulders, his own nose feeling a little frozen.

“Just, walked around,” he said. “You know how it is in New York. Everyone walks with a purpose. Not very often that people just stop and look around.”

“Hey, not true,” Agron said, “I stopped and looked around at that bar. Good thing I did, too. Because if I didn't then I wouldn't have met you.”

A few minutes later their conversation had ceased and was replaced with Agron with his back against a tree that was located deeper into the park, away from prying eyes, and Nasir on his tip-toes and kissing him, their bodies pressed against each other, restricted by way too many layers of clothing. Their kissing became hotter and more impatient, Nasir biting Agron's bottom lip and then sucking on it softly, the larger man letting out a groan.

“I want you,” Nasir whispered when he pulled away. Agron's eyes were wide and his lips were red and he nodded dumbly.

“Yeah, yeah, let's get back to the--”

“No,” Nasir interrupted, his hands on Agron's chest. “Here.” There was a smirk on his face, and his eyes were bright and mischievous.

Agron almost swallowed his tongue. “Here?” He said incredulously. Nasir nodded.

“Here,” he repeated, punctuating it with a kiss. “Please,” he whispered, his fingers tugging on the waistband of Agron's pants.

Agron found it amazing how he could fall apart because of this guy. Just one word, and he would do anything that Nasir asked him to.

“Okay,” Agron said with a smile, “only for you.”

 


	7. Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nasir tells Agron the truth.

“Thanks for this,” Chadara said when she hugged him. “It was a great experience.”

Nasir gave her a small smile and nodded. “It was great having you with me,” he said. It was the night before Chadara's flight back to New York, and Nasir had just come by to her hotel room to see if everything was okay and if she needed any help, when he somehow found himself settled on her bed and reminiscing about old times with her. They spoke about many things, and then lapsed into a comfortable silence, until she broke the silence with her soft, sweet voice.

“I have to go back to Donar,” she explained, hands in her lap. Nasir nodded, it was understandable. “Y'know, work, everything,” she smiled. _Life._

He placed a hand on her knee. “Are you feeling better, though?” He asked. She had been sick for the past few days and he hoped it wasn't anything too serious.

She nodded. “Yeah, yeah, my stomach was just acting up, that's all.” 

Another silence passed between them and Chadara's blue eyes settled on Nasir.

“I know you're staying for a little longer,” she said, “but when you come back, promise me you'll tell your brother and parents.” She didn't have to say what Nasir should tell them, because Nasir knew, and he tried to hide the shock from hearing her unexpected comment.

“How do you know I haven't told them already?” He asked. She scoffed and played with the strings on her pajama pants.

“C'mon, Nasir.” She wound the string around her index finger, constricting the blood flow to her fingertip and turning it red. Nasir blinked and she unwound the string, only to repeat the action.

“I know you too well,” she said. Nasir brushed some of his hair behind his ear and gave her a slightly unsatisfied look.

“It's gonna be difficult,” he mumbled, and he realized how irrational he was being. He just didn't want to see to look on his brother's face, or even worse, his parents' faces. What would he see? It wasn't as hard telling Chadara; he _knew_ what to expect from her. Half the time he felt so detached from his own family that he couldn't predict what they would do or say. Would his mother go into hysterics and start sobbing when she found out her younger son had an expiration date? Would his father admonish him for not telling them sooner? Would his brother pat his back comfortingly and then go on talking about his own life and problems? Nasir wasn't ready for that, and he wasn't sure if he was ever going to be.

“No,” Chadara said, her voice uncharacteristically sharp. “it would be _difficult_ if your family had to find out from someone other than you, alright? It would be difficult if they didn't know until after...” she paused, her eyes seemingly pleading him to do something, and Nasir pretended that he was ignorant of her point. There was only so much he could do.

“Okay,” Nasir said. He held her gaze as he promised to do something he didn't think he would have the courage to do. “I will.”

That seemed to comfort her on some level, and the lines in her face smoothed out in relief, a small smile on her lips. Nasir wished he could mirror the sentiment.

 

 

They went to Paris next. It had never been Nasir's plan to stay in London the entire time, especially since he had always wanted to see France. When he asked Agron if he would come along with him, Nasir prepared himself in case the answer would be no. The answer he received was actually _of course_ followed by _Good thing I can take my job with me (_ because Agron worked from home and as long as he had an internet connection, he was satisfied), and _let me buy the tickets this time_.

Nasir loved everything about Paris, from the atmosphere, to the people, to the entire feel of the city. He spent many days taking in the beautiful scenery, sometimes with Agron, sometimes alone. They ate in expensive restaurants at night and got fresh bread from the bakery in the morning. They even picked up a few words here and there, often trying to speak to one another in half-French with horrid accents, which only made them burst into laughter most of the time.

One night Nasir was laying on their bed, facing the window and staring out into the dark sky because sleep couldn't come to him fast enough. There was movement from the other side of the bed and he heard Agron mumble something as he turned onto his side. Nasir glanced over to see if Agron was alright, and in the dim light he could see his features were drawn. 

Nasir smiled weakly and turned to face him, resting a hand on Agron's hip and rubbing the warm skin there soothingly. Agron's eyes were still closed and he made another sound in his throat, and Nasir wondered what exactly he could be dreaming of. There was a gasp and Agron's eyes shot open, met with the sight of Nasir with a small smile on his face. Agron squeezed his eyes shut and muttered a curse, trying to get his heart rate back under control.

“Hey,” Nasir whispered. Agron let out a long breath and looked at Nasir. He tried to smile back. “Was it that bad?” Nasir asked, and Agron nodded. Nasir reached a hand out and brushed his fingers across the German's cheek. They remained in silence for a moment, and Agron pressed a kiss to Nasir's forehead.

“All of my teeth,” Agron whispered, and Nasir's eyebrows furrowed slightly. Agron took hold of Nasir's hands, feeling the solid, warm weight of them before continuing. “I had a dream that all of my teeth were falling out,” he smiled slightly at the way it sounded out loud. “They fell out one by one. I was looking for you but you... you weren't there for some reason, and I was in so much pain.” Agron's eyes averted from Nasir's for a second. “I was clutching them in my hand, and then they turned to dust, just like that.”

“It was just a dream,” Nasir whispered, although he felt uneasy.

“Yeah, I know.”

A silence passed between them. Every sound in the room was somehow amplified to Nasir. The sound of the sheets rustling as Agron adjusted his position, the sound of both of their breathing. Nasir's heart was beating so hard that it seemed as if his head throbbed with each _thump_.

“Don't teeth symbolize death?” Agron whispered into the darkness.

Nasir closed his eyes. “I don't know,” he lied.

 

Sunrises were beautiful, even more so from the view of their Parisian hotel balcony. Breakfast had been brought up and Nasir drank his tea on the balcony while he watched the world below him come to life. The colors across the sky were too good to be ignored, swatches of light pink and gold against the great expanse of the sky.

Nasir smiled when he saw Agron step out onto the balcony along with him.

“Morning,” Nasir greeted. Agron, still sleepy and not fully functional yet, shuffled over to Nasir and embraced him from behind, pressing a lingering kiss to his temple. Agron remained quiet, his sleep-warm body doing a better job of heating Nasir up than the hot drink in his hand.

“You should eat some breakfast,” Nasir said softly, as if he didn't want to disturb the moment. “And then I want to tell you something.”

“Hmm?” Agron intoned. “Did I do something?” His tone was light, and he kissed the side of Nasir's neck, overwhelming the Syrian with a sense of _home_.

“No,” Nasir said with a smile. “You didn't do a single thing wrong.”

They ate breakfast together, although it was uncomfortably quiet and too many thoughts were running through Nasir's head. Agron noticed this and it didn't help ease his anxiety about what it was that he had to tell him.

“Just say it,” Agron said, a bit too sharply. Nasir wordlessly got up from the table and walked across the room and back out onto the balcony, breathing in the crisp air and trying to make the intense nausea he felt at that moment disappear.

Agron followed him and leaned against the railing, looking at Nasir with a slightly drawn expression. The Syrian tried to avoid his gaze by staring straight ahead, but his head pounded and his heart throbbed and he finally met Agron's eyes.

“I'm dying,” he said. “I have... about three months left.” In that instant, the shock that registered on Agron's face made Nasir want to die right then and there instead of in the near future. He was a horrible person. His eyes brimmed with tears but he forced himself to not cry. His hands were cold and trembling and Agron's green eyes were full of disbelief. 

“What?” Agron almost laughed. This was ridiculous. Surely this was a terrible joke that Nasir was playing on him.

“I'm so sorry I didn't tell you,” Nasir reached out for Agron. He wanted to hold him, to kiss him. He wanted Agron to tell him that it would all be okay. 

“No,” Agron whispered. He straightened up and took a step away from Nasir. “Is this what this is all about?” His voice cracked in the middle of the sentence and his features were tight with anger. “Is this why you wanted me to come here with you? Because you're dying and you wanted someone there with you?” He wasn't shouting, but he might as well have been, because his words stabbed Nasir right in the chest.

“No,” Nasir said. He held out his hands to Agron, a gesture for him to either remain calm or just... not leave. “It's more than that. I wanted my last months to be with you.”

Agron scoffed, and for the first time, looked upon Nasir with bitterness. “So you concocted this plan? You didn't even know me! You chose me, out of anyone else, and took me on this trip and showed me this places and made me fall--” he cut himself off, and a single tear streamed down his face.

“Please,” Nasir whispered, “I didn't do this to hurt you. I thought if I told you earlier you wouldn't have agreed to any of this.”

“And you thought this would be _better_?” Agron's voice was raised now, and Nasir just wanted to press pause. Things were progressing too quickly and he hated the direction they were moving in.

“Agron--” Nasir tried, but he was cut off by a biting look from Agron.

“No, Nasir, you _fucked_ me over. You don't do something like this to someone. You can't hide the fact that you have three months to live from someone you're with,” there was a tinge of uncertainty in Agron's words, and Nasir took a step forward.

“I should have told you sooner,” he agreed, but Agron took another step backwards.

“No, I'm done,” he said, and Nasir stared in shock as Agron stepped back indoors and frantically started pulling his clothes out of the drawers and packing them into his suitcase.

“Don't,” Nasir said, but he was rooted to the spot, and could do nothing but watch as Agron packed everything away. That's when he felt the first tear break free, and just like that, his resolve was broken. It took only a few short minutes for Agron to get dressed and pack all of his things, but Nasir felt as if he stood on the balcony for days, unable to say a word or walk inside and try to persuade Agron to stay. Agron pulled his suitcase alongside and opened the door. 

He paused, as if wanting to turn around and see Nasir one last time, but he shrugged it off and continued on his way. The sound of the door slamming shut was the loudest thing that Nasir had ever heard.


	8. Imperfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nasir comes back to New York, albeit in lower spirits than when he left.

He didn't know what he expected when he stood on the front porch of his parents' house in Astoria, but his palms were sweating and he almost dropped the bottle of sparkling cider he brought along. Nasir had stayed in Paris for another two weeks before he came back to New York, albeit in much lower spirits than when he left. 

He heard noises from inside, the sound of Karif's kids probably chasing each other around and almost breaking something, but it seemed to lighten the mood and he felt arguably less anxious when he knocked on the door. His brother's wife, Sharon, was the one that opened the door and she gave him a warm smile and a hug. 

Dinner went well, and Karif's three kids inhaled their food at inhuman speed and then pestered their grandmother until she let them watch television in the living room. Nasir felt the constant gaze of his parents on him and managed to ignore it for a while. It was on Nasir's second glass of sparking cider that his father said something that wasn't polite small talk, asking Nasir how everything was, how his job was, or telling him how they're planning on re-doing the kitchen.

“Nasir, why did you call so suddenly? I know you've been busy but you haven't called your mother and I in months, and now there's a sudden change of heart?”

“And a change of hair,” his mother added with a smile. Nasir smiled and looked at his parents, and realized that whatever resentment he had felt towards them was unnecessary. Even Karif looked at him questioningly, which was surprising for someone that was glued to their phone. Lilith, their eldest girl at twelve, called for her mom from the living room and Sharon excused herself from the table to see what she needed. Nasir felt slightly saddened at her absence, as it somehow made the atmosphere of the room slightly less comforting.

“Oh, you know,” Nasir said uselessly. He looked down at the table cloth for a second and took a deep breath, lifting his head up and looking at his parents again. “Things happened that made me think about how I was handling certain situations. I missed you guys, that's all.” That made them smile, and his mother reached across the table and placed her soft hand on his.

“Well, I'm glad,” her honey-colored eyes looked at him with a sense of relief, and although he tried to smile, guilt sat on Nasir's shoulders like a boulder.

“Also, there's something else,” he said.

“Well go on, man,” Karif said with a slightly worried smile, “You can tell us.”

When Nasir finally spoke those words, the weight on his shoulders transformed to water and washed away his transgressions.

 

 

 

The last person Nasir expected to see when he opened the door to his apartment a few mornings later was Agron. Nasir blinked, but he knew he wasn't seeing things. Agron was there, a small smile on his face and his green eyes regarding Nasir with tenderness. The air between them was filled with questions, and memories, and Nasir flashed back to one night in Paris when Agron told him that it's _only you, I would only ever do this with you_ , and the recollection of the love they made that night ran a chill up his spine.

“Hey,” Nasir said, and there were way too many questions going through his mind, but he couldn't voice a single one of them. Agron reached out tentatively and placed a cold hand on the side of Nasir's face. They looked at each other, a silent conversation taking place.

Nasir took a step back, allowing Agron room to walk inside, and soon after they were pressed up against one another, Agron's mouth on Nasir's, their breaths mingling and thoughts disappeared as they kissed, and _this_ was coming home. Getting off the plane and stepping back into New York wasn't coming home, walking through the streets of his neighborhood wasn't coming home, opening the door to his apartment and stepping inside wasn't coming home. Kissing Agron was coming home. _Finally_.

Agron made a sound, somewhere between a moan and a sigh of relief, and for the second time Nasir felt like his sins were being washed away.

“How did you...?” Nasir pulled away and looked at Agron, his heart racing and a smile on his face. He brushed his fingers against Agron's warm face and felt the slight stubble there.

“Chadara,” Agron said with a smile. “I called her and asked for your address.” Nasir laughed and kissed him again, and they stumbled towards Nasir's room, a mess of tangled limbs and kisses, minds cloudy with lust and something more. Nasir needed to make sure that Agron was actually there, with him, and had somehow forgiven him, and the best way to do all of that was to taste and feel the skin and body of the man that had taken up permanent residence in his heart.

 

 

 

They laid in bed, Agron's head on Nasir's chest, the Syrian's fingers lazily running through his short brown hair. Agron closed his eyes tightly and focused on the sound of Nasir's heart beat paired with his breathing. He didn't even ignore the own flutter in his heart at the realization that he was _really_ here. It had taken a lot to come to terms with the bomb that had been dropped on him in Paris, but Agron had somehow found a part of himself that valued their relationship too much to let it go to waste.

Only a sheet covered their bodies, and Nasir was still warm and his body was buzzing from the sex they just had, and he felt calm for the first time in a while. Agron looked up at him and Nasir smiled back, his hand traveling to the back of Agron's neck and resting there. Agron leaned in close, their lips only centimeters away and hesitated for a moment, a smile on his lips.

“What?” Nasir asked with a chuckle, and he leaned in and closed the small gap between them, pressing a kiss to the corner of Agron's lips. Agron smiled and covered Nasir's lips with his own, kissing him softly and savoring it. He pulled away and pressed a kiss to the tip of Nasir's nose, then rested his forehead on the Syrian's with a sigh.

“I'm still upset that you didn't tell me earlier,” Agron admitted in a whisper. There was quiet acceptance in his voice, and it hurt Nasir like a barely-healed wound.

“I know. I apologize,” he said. “It was wrong of me to hide it... and then to tell you like that. I just... sorry.” He understood that what he did was wrong, but when it was happening, he thought it was the only way. Perhaps it was. “I'm glad you forgave me, though.” _Glad you came back to me._

Agron smirked and pulled away to look into Nasir's eyes. “I had no choice, little man,” he said with a smile, trying to push away the uncertainty he felt at the moment. It could only get worse from here, right? Knowing that Nasir was dying was going to start feeling like a dark, looming thing, and Agron wasn't sure if he was ready for that, but he would do it. “I love you,” he said, just in case Nasir needed to know. He had been saying it with his actions for a while, and he'd been feeling it with intensity for what seemed like even longer, but it was time he vocalized it.

Nasir leaned in and kissed Agron softly, and the German found himself melting into it, tasting the sweetness of Nasir, something akin to honey, and it was absolutely intoxicating. He almost didn't catch Nasir's next words, spoken softly against Agron's lips. “I love you, too.”


	9. Prospect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Small moments speak volumes for the future.

“Here's the number,” he slid the piece of paper across the bench to his brother. Karif looked down and sighed, seeming a bit more tired than he usually was. He picked up the paper and then took a sip of his coffee; extra shot of espresso. Nasir smiled at him. Although he had always been closer to his brother than to his parents, he felt a hint of regret of not having the tight-knit relationship they could have had all of these years. Karif was a nice guy, perhaps a bit caught up in his own life and problems, but who wasn't? He looked up at Nasir with hazel eyes and put his cup down on the ground beside him, running his fingers through his wavy hair.

“And who's this?” He asked, waving the small slip of paper. Nasir shrugged and watched as Karif took a pack of cigarettes out and opened it, slipping one in between his lips. He fumbled with his lighter for a few moments, his thumb somehow slipping on the wheel.

“Here,” Nasir said, and he leaned over, taking the lighter from his brother's hand and using one hand to cup the side of it as he lit his cigarette. Karif smiled and took the lighter back, slipping it into his pocket. He took a long drag and looked up as he exhaled into the cold sky. Nasir slipped his gloved hands into his jacket. “It's someone,” Nasir finally answered, and Karif chuckled.

“Well in that case,” he started, but Nasir cut him off.

“A friend, okay? After I... I want you to call him, alright? I'm really close to him and I want you to try to... befriend him. I'd appreciate it. A lot.”

Karif nodded, the piece of paper now in his pocket. “Your boyfriend?” He asked, and looked at his little brother's eyes. Nasir nodded once, gauging his reaction, but Karif simply shrugged, an almost-there smile on his lips.

“If that's what you want, sure,” he said, and Nasir raised an eyebrow. That was slightly easier than expected. He wouldn't have said a word if Karif simply refused to do such a thing, but he was grateful that he was going to do it.

“He's a great guy,” Nasir said, and he wasn't sure if it was more for himself or for his brother.

“He better be,” Karif scoffed, “you're picky as hell, so I'm guessing he did _something_ great to get on your good side.” Nasir laughed. Was he really picky? Well, okay, maybe a bit, but he also never felt feelings so intense, so quickly, as he did with Agron. The brothers sat on the bench in comfortable silence as people passed by; parents pushing strollers and people walking dogs. Karif finished his cigarette and pulled out his pack again, and Nasir turned to him.

“Hey, can I have one?” He asked, and Karif gave him a questioning look before smirking and handing his brother one.

“Didn't know you smoked Marlboro’s, kid,” he said as returned the favor by lighting Nasir's cigarette for him. Nasir inhaled and smirked.

“I did when I was thirteen,” he said, and Karif smiled at the memory.

“Yeah, and Dad smacked you for it,” he said. Nasir bit his lip, cigarette dangling between two fingers.

“Well,” Nasir said, playfully jabbing Karif in the side with his elbow. “I'm a grown up, now, right?” Karif grinned and tussled Nasir's short hair.

“Yeah, asshole,” he said, “but you're still a baby to me.”

 

 

“Don't look,” Agron said as he wrapped his red tie around Nasir's eyes. He tied it behind his head and guided him forwards. Nasir laughed, only stopping when Agron's lips had pressed against his neck.

“A normal person would've just told me to close my eyes instead of using it as an excuse for bondage,” Nasir reasoned with an amused tone, but he was silenced when Agron lightly nipped the skin on his neck. A shiver ran through him and he grinned. “Are you actually surprising me with something or are we going to have sex while I'm blindfolded?” Agron had been at Nasir's place when he got home one afternoon (he had the key), and he covered Nasir's eyes as soon as he walked in the place, only to replace his hands with the tie while he walked him further inside the apartment.

“Well, would you really be upset if it was the second option?” Agron said, and Nasir felt a jolt of excitement.

“No,” he said honestly, and pressed back against Agron's body. Agron wrapped his arms around him and pressed a kiss to his temple, his hips pressing against Nasir's lower back firmly enough so he could feel him through the fabric of their clothes.

“Well,” Agron said, “we can still do that later, but for the time being...” he smiled and untied the piece of fabric, letting it fall to the floor. Nasir was in his own kitchen, he knew that, but when he saw what Agron had done, happiness swelled inside of him.

“Well,” Nasir said, “I didn't know I was dating Fabio.” He looked at the meal Agron prepared, and since when did Agron cook? “It looks great,” he said. There was even a candle in the center of the table and a glass of wine.

“But wait,” Agron said, and he placed his hands on Nasir's shoulders and turned him around to face him. When they were face to face, Nasir looked up at Agron with appreciation. “There's more!” He said with a smile, and the Syrian shook his head.

“There doesn't have to be any more,” Nasir assured him, but he was hushed with a kiss.

“No, stop,” Agron said with a chuckle, “I get to do this, okay?” Nasir looked at him inquisitively but remained silent, and only let out a sound when Agron pulled something out of his pocket. “It's just a promise,” he said with downcast eyes as he held the small black box in his hands. “Just wanted to let you know... how much you mean to me, and all that.”

“Agron,” Nasir said, and the man met his eyes. “You didn't have to,” he said. He took a small step closer, placing a hand on the side of his face. “Really.”

“Yeah,” Agron said with a nod. “But I wanted to.”

 

 

Chadara looked extremely happy. She hummed as she took the whistling kettle off the stove and poured the water into a cup for the tea. She was wearing a dress although it was almost January, and she had recently gotten a haircut so her hair was now above shoulder-length. Nasir watched her with amusement as she twirled around her kitchen, getting the cookies out of the oven and letting them cool down on the counter. He couldn't help but laugh.

“Jesus!” Nasir exclaimed. “I can't remember the last time I saw you so happy.” He wasn't complaining, though, because her good mood was rubbing off on him. He'd been feeling pretty shitty the past couple of weeks. He had lost a few pounds and he was tired, but it wasn't anything that he would let hinder him. He smiled now as she turned to him and smirked, bringing the tea cup over to the kitchen table and placing his in front of him. She poured herself a glass of orange juice as he watched. Nasir felt that something big was about to happen.

“I'm happy for a reason,” she said, pulling her chair close to him and sitting down. She held his slightly colder hands in her warm ones and smiled brightly.

Although Nasir had lived in Chicago for most of his childhood, he moved to Queens with his parents when he was about thirteen, and that's when he met Chadara, who lived in the same apartment complex, in an apartment just a floor above his. He'd been shy at first, having moved to a different city and having to adjust to everything. She was the one that introduced herself, all bright smiles and dirty jokes, and he decided that she was okay. They became friends almost instantaneously.

That summer before high school was _their_ summer. They spent it watching movies in the theater and getting ice cream, slipping easily into roles as best friends. During high school, they had tried dating each other, because everyone around them was dating someone and Chadara and Nasir already felt so comfortable around one another that it seemed like the next logical step. It lasted about a week before Nasir went up to her and said _hey I think I might be gay_ and she had nodded and smiled and said _yeah I thought so too, but I didn't want to offend you_ , and ever since then they'd remained close.

“ _Nasir,_ ” Chadara said, snapping him out of his reverie. He looked up at her, and for a second he saw Chadara at sixteen, with pink highlights in her hair and a reputation for hooking up with the entire wrestling team. He loved her then and he loved her now.

“I'm sorry,” he said with a smile. “I was just thinking.” Chadara smiled and averted her eyes for a moment, one of her hands absentmindedly resting on her stomach.

“I'm pregnant,” she said, looking up and meeting his eyes again. “I didn't want to tell anyone until after it's been three months, and that's happened so you were one of the first people I wanted to tell.” Her features were absolutely radiant. Her cheeks were rosy and her smile was bright and her eyes especially, they were so lively and wonderful, and  _this_ is what people meant by a glow.

“I'm so happy for you,” Nasir said, and he was still in awe, almost unable to take in the concept that his best friend was going to have a  _child_ in the future. He took his eyes off of where her hand was rested and looked at her eyes. “I'm sure they'll be gorgeous, just like their parents,” he said with a smile. He wished he were able to watch Chadara make the transition to being a mother, or to watch Donar freaking out about being a dad for the first time.

“Donar is so excited,” Chadara said, seemingly reading Nasir's mind. “I told him when I was sure, y'know, after my... fourth test, I think,” shook her head fondly at the memory. “He cried,” she added with a small smile. “I've never seen him cry until then, it was so sweet. He's really excited to be a dad.” Chadara took a sip of her juice, and Nasir blew on the surface of his tea to cool it down.

“You're going to be an amazing mom,” he said, and at those words he watched a blush creep to her cheeks.

“They'll know about you,” she said softly, and Nasir almost didn't catch it. His eyebrows furrowed slightly, but when she gave him a smile, he found himself returning it.


	10. Inevitable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No matter how difficult it might be, certain things in life cannot be avoided.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all of your love and support in the writing of this fic. When I first started, I never intended for it to go this far, but I'm glad it has.

The last month was simultaneously the easiest and the hardest. Nasir didn't exactly know how that made sense, but it did. The worst part was the pain. The aches in his muscles and his bones, the constant pounding headaches, the way he would wake up some nights to bouts of nauseousness that would keep him awake for hours. It sucked in the way he expected it to suck, because dying can't be any fun, right? He was cold often and he found his hands shaking of their own accord, but that was fine, because there was a better part to all of it.

That part was Agron. Agron took Nasir's pain and carried some of it with himself, taking some of the burden from Nasir. Whenever Nasir was cold and his hands were shaking, Agron was there, and he would hold him close and Nasir would slip his hands up Agron's shirt and rest them on his warm belly as if Agron was a heater. That was the way Nasir preferred to be warmed up. Agron was there a lot for him, whenever he could, and he slept over a lot as well, and that helped. There was no better thing that Nasir could think of than waking up next to Agron, his heart swelling with love and affection for the man that he was lucky enough to have dropped into his life.

Then there were times when Nasir would push him away. When he would be hurting and just wanted to be left alone, or when his body was in more pain than normal and he just wanted to curl up in bed with a heating pad and sleep the day away. Agron would try to help, he would want to kiss him and hold him, but those were the times when Nasir gave him that scowl and locked him out of his room. Agron would leave and go back home to Brooklyn, and the next day he would be there again, and Nasir would hold him and kiss all over his face and everything was alright for the time being.

Agron was in pain too, just from watching him. Ironically, the thing that made him forget was being there for him. It filled him with relief whenever he was able to help Nasir with something, or even when he was able to just lay in bed with Nasir and hold his hand, watching bad television. He wanted to be with Nasir as much as possible, and he cherished every moment, tried to burn every second into his memory, but it would be the small moments that brought him back to reality. Moments when he noticed how much weight Nasir had lost, or how pale his skin was. He noticed the dark circles under his eyes, and the pain behind Nasir's eyes that the Syrian was constantly masking. Those were the moments when Agron felt like doubling over from the sharp stab of pain in his gut. Those were moments when he felt torn, as if a cold vice had dug into his ribcage and pulled his heart from inside him, and Agron would be left staring at his own pain, confronting it with all courage he could barely muster.

A press of lips against his would be enough to make his mind stop racing and the knowledge of impending pain go away. They kissed a lot, for comfort and for reassurance, to express love or just when the moment felt right. They didn't have sex as often, mostly because Nasir lacked the energy, but the touches they did share were more than satisfying for Agron, reaching him in a way he was unaware could be accomplished. At night they would huddle under Nasir's covers, Agron's arms around the smaller man, and they would kiss until they fell asleep. Nasir loved to taste Agron. He also loved to smell him (Agron smelled like cologne while his hair was the scent of pomegranate shampoo), and he loved to touch him (he touched the scar on Agron's chest often, a remnant from an accident when he was younger). Agron tasted like coffee often, and sometimes he would chew cinnamon gum, which Nasir was never a fan of before, but he soon began to love tasting the remnants of it in Agron's mouth. Agron was warm and sweet and solid in all the right ways.

Chadara came over often. Her and Donar, sometimes. Donar was a good guy, and he would bring Nasir low-budget horror movies that he knew he would like, and then documentaries on Roman ancient history, because he knew for a _fact_ that Nasir liked those. He treated it all as if Nasir had a bad flu that he would get over soon, and in a way, Nasir appreciated that as well. Chadara's baby bump was barely noticeable, but he could just picture her with the child in her arms, and he knew that it was meant to be. She brought him a lot of sweets that she baked, and sometimes food too, stuff that she knew he favored, and he thanked her endlessly. When she left, he would take a bite or two of the food and then crawl under the covers again. Nasir didn't have an appetite on most days.

 

 

 

“Let's go out,” Nasir said one Saturday morning. Agron looked up from his laptop and raised an eyebrow. Nasir had been feeling better in the past two days. He would go through cycles like this; days where he would feel absolutely horrible and just want to stay inside and cuddle next to Agron, paired with days when he felt well enough to actually eat a meal or go for a short walk. It was February and there was a light dusting of snow on the ground, and Nasir craved to hear the crunch of it beneath his boots.

“Sure,” Agron said, his smile a flash of bright white.

Nasir made sure to bundle up, and Agron's arm stayed around his shoulder as he walked down the street, not necessarily heading anywhere in particular. Nasir inhaled deeply and enjoyed the way the cold air felt traveling down into his lungs, how alive and wonderful it made him feel when he breathed it out. Agron looked down at him with a smile and gave in to his temptation, leaning down and pressing a kiss to the tip of Nasir's nose.

“I love you,” he said. Agron said it whenever he found the right moment. Whenever the uplifting feeling in his heart became too much to the point where he felt it might take him away, he said those words and cemented himself into reality, into the fact that he did love Nasir, more than anyone else. Those words always warmed Nasir, as no sweeter words have ever been uttered from a sweeter mouth. That same mouth that pressed kisses all over his body, whispered reassuring words, said those three words. Nasir nodded. He didn't need to tell Agron that he loved him as well; it was known.

“I wish there was more snow,” Nasir said wistfully, and in a way, that was his way of sharing the sentiment. “Then we could have a snowball fight.”

Agron laughed. “Oh yeah, little man? What makes you think you could withstand a snowball fight with me?”

Nasir smirked. “Obviously you underestimate me. I would certainly kick your ass, Agron.” That made the German smile, and he bit his lower lip to stop himself from making a dirty comeback.

“Okay,” Agron said. “You're right,” and he sneaked in another kiss.

 

 

 

One day, he felt really good, better than he had in a week or so. Agron had slept over the night before, so when he woke up he was surprised to see Nasir up and making toast.

“You alright?” Agron asked. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and watched Nasir, who was wearing a blue sweater that seemed to engulf him, partly because it was Agron's, and partly because he had lost so much weight. The Syrian nodded.

“Yeah, feelin' good,” and he smiled at Agron. “'m not sore or anything.” Happiness flooded through Agron, and he walked over and placed a kiss to Nasir's temple.

He even felt well enough to have sex. He allowed Agron, for the first time in a long while, to go down on him, and it was amazing. He'd missed the way Agron's mouth was hot and wet around him, and the soft sounds and hums that Agron would make with his lips around him. Nasir came in a few minutes, and he wanted to return the favor by jerking him off but Agron just shook his head and kissed Nasir's neck, pressing his face against the skin. They spent the day in bed, and even left the apartment to go get some coffee around noon.

It was around five in the afternoon that Nasir started feeling not-so-well again. He became quiet and climbed into bed, burying himself in the covers and curling up the way he usually did when the pain started again. Agron had been doing some work on his laptop in the living room, but when he saw what was happening, he walked to Nasir's bedroom and stood in the doorway, watching him.

“Can I come in?” Agron asked, just in case Nasir wanted to be alone again. To his surprise, the man muttered a soft _yeah_ , and Agron walked over, slipping into bed and wrapping his arms around Nasir. Nasir sighed softly and pressed his face into Agron's chest, and one of Agron's hands went to pet Nasir's hair.

“'m tired again,” Nasir whispered. “So, so tired, Agron. I just want to sleep.” The phrase sat uneasily with Agron, and he pulled Nasir in closer and kissed the top of his head.

“You're okay, though? Right?” Agron asked, and his voice was shaking. Every time Nasir got like this, Agron couldn't help the dread that filled him to the very brink, dread that made him want to collapse into himself and leave, but he always stayed strong. Nasir sighed softly.

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, already sounding groggy. “Just gonna take a nap.” Agron nodded, closing his eyes. He felt tears beginning to form but he didn't know why. Everything was fine, wasn't it?

“You do that, Nasir. I'll be here when you wake up,” he said, and he savored the feel of the man in his arms. A couple of minutes passed and Nasir's breathing was slow and even, and Agron thought he had actually fallen asleep until he spoke.

“Agron,” Nasir said, unsure, as if he didn't realize that Agron was right there, holding him.

“Yeah?” Agron said.

“I love you,” he said with a small sigh, sounding relieved.

Agron smiled, and he found solace in that; felt almost weightless.

“I love you too, Nasir,” he said, “more than anything,” he added barely above a whisper.

Nasir smiled and looked up at Agron, into his green eyes, and Agron obliged and pressed a kiss to his lips, keeping his lips there longer than he intended, savoring it. That made the smaller man relax, and he settled back into sleep while Agron's arms remained around him, protective. Agron looked down and watched Nasir's chest rise and fall with each breath, and he placed a kiss to the top of his head.

He didn't want to leave, and he couldn't bring himself to, so he stayed there, offering whatever comfort he could. His eyes caught a glimpse of the silver band around Nasir's finger, the same one he had given him that night Agron made dinner for them, and found himself smiling weakly. He hoped, with all of his strength and his being, that Nasir truly knew how much Agron loved him.

 

It was only after the last breath left Nasir's body that Agron finally let go.

 

 

“ _To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.”_

_\- Thomas Campbell_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is an epilogue to come.
> 
> I hope this hasn't saddened you too much.


	11. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life continues, but memories never die.

 Agron had never experienced a death in his life before, other than his grandmother when he was thirteen, and even then he was too young to process anything other than how he wouldn't see her at Christmas anymore like he used to and how boring the funeral service was. This time, though, it tore him apart. He had been pushed to his limits in more ways than one; found the love of his life only to be allowed a short few months with him. It was the most difficult thing he could have ever imagined, and if someone asked him if he could have done it six months ago, he would have said no. 

When Nasir broke the news to him, Agron felt too many emotions at once. The weight of those feelings made him feel like he was at the bottom of the ocean, tons and tons of pressure weighing down on him and breaking him down into tiny particles, barely leaving enough behind to function. He thought about it and decided that it was worth the pain if he could experience more of the love he felt towards Nasir. It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and he wouldn't let it go to waste just because he was scared. He missed Nasir's touches and his smiles, his laughs and the way he would kiss each part of Agron softly, slowly, as if memorizing his body. He missed everything that he was made of; his little tendencies and idiosyncrasies, the movies they watched and the music they listened to. But mostly, the experiences they shared.

When Nasir died, Agron had stayed in his bedroom and watched, waiting, as if somehow his chest would begin moving again and the color in his face would come back and he would wake up, like some sort of Disney movie, and it would turn out that this was all a dream or some horrible nightmare, and they would be able to go on with their lives. Together. Needless to say, that wasn't the case.

At Nasir's funeral, Agron stood off to the side, watching as his casket was lowered down into the ground. He felt a dull throb in his chest, like a slowly gushing wound, nowhere near healing. It was a beautiful that day, not cloudy or rainy like he thought it would be. It was only fitting that the sun was shining and it was unseasonably warm for February. Nasir brightened the lives of everyone around him when he was alive, so of course he would do so even in death. Agron looked around at all the people, wearing black and silent except for the occasional soft cry or mumbled prayer. He only recognized Chadara and Donar, but he could tell that Nasir's family was there, along with a handful of his other friends. 

When the funeral ended and everyone dispersed, Agron remained there, staring at the headstone as memories flooded his head. Towards the end of Nasir's life, he admitted to Agron that the night they met in the bar was only a night after he was aware of his condition and of the time limit on his life. In a weird way, maybe it was meant to be. Maybe this experience taught the both of them something. At the moment, Agron couldn't imagine what that would be. Pain flooded his thoughts.

“I'm guessing you're Agron,” said a voice. Agron turned and saw a man standing at his right side. He had black, wavy hair and dark-lashed hazel eyes. He shifted slightly, hands buried in the pocket of his black pants. Something in his face reminded Agron faintly of Nasir, and he knew right away who it was.

“Karif,” Agron said, smiling weakly. They shook hands, and a long silence passed between them. No one else was around, and in that moment it was just the three of them.

“I was going to call you,” Karif said, voice rough as if he hadn't spoken in a while. “Nasir gave me your number before he passed, said that he wanted me to start talking to you. This is as best a time as any, huh?”

Agron smiled weakly, eyes diverting from Karif to the headstone again. “I only wish it was under better circumstances,” he admitted.

There was silence again, and Karif placed a warm, strong hand on Agron's shoulder. They stood side-by-side, hearts in pain and minds on the same person, but somehow, things felt lighter.

 

 

Abigail was walking already, each small hand clutching onto one of Donar's fingers as she enthusiastically placed one foot onto the grass followed by the other. She wore a summer dress, white with a pattern of tiny yellow flowers, and her small pink feet sank into the green grass on a July afternoon. She had a small yellow bonnet on her head, shielding her from the sun, but there was a comfortable breeze and it wasn't sweltering hot, just warm. Agron suspected it was because of the fact that Donar and Chadara's new house was upstate, and the trees that surrounded their house, along with the lake just a few minutes walk away provided them with a comfortable atmosphere.

They had moved into a ranch-style house soon after Abigail was born, and Chadara and Agron had continued speaking, while Agron and Donar put their past differences aside and renewed their friendship, soon reverting back to the same, easy-going relationship they had in college. Except that this time, they were closer than ever before, and they could consider one another as brothers. This was one of the many times that Agron had visited them in their new house, but it was Abigail's first birthday, and therefore a special occasion.

Agron watched from his seat at the table on the patio as Donar sat down in the grass, his daughter mimicking his actions and then looking up at him with fascination in her big, blue eyes. Agron glanced over at Chadara, who was sipping her iced tea and watching the scene with a loving expression. Her face was soft and one corner of her mouth was quirked up into a smile, and she couldn't have been more content.

“I'm glad you made the drive up here,” she said, her gaze turning to the German sitting across from her. “We wanted to make Abby's birthday a small occasion. Mine and Donar's parents are coming tomorrow to visit, but she likes you a lot, so thanks.” She said it as if Agron ever had a problem with the drive, which he certainly didn't.

Agron shook his head. “Don't mention it, I always love seeing her.” Chadara and Donar already refer to Agron as “Uncle” around Abby, and the little girl had taken quite a liking to him. Agron was an expert peek-a-boo player, anyway, and he could read her fairy tales in a soft, gentle voice until she fell asleep in his arms. He made a pretty swell uncle.

“I wish Nasir were here,” Chadara said, finally speaking the words that had been on Agron's mind. The time since Nasir's death seemed to pass so quickly, but Agron never, not for a day, forgot about him. It was painful at first, but then Agron started remembering only the good times (which were plentiful), and whenever he thought about Nasir, he would smile and a warmth would spread throughout him. It was okay.

“He would love Abby,” Agron said, and he smiled as he watched Donar pick her up and hold her above his head as she giggled and waved her arms, looking down at her father with the pure joy that only a child could express.

Chadara smiled. “He would,” she agreed.

In Agron's wallet, there was a picture that had been there for months. Every day, he looked at it, and every day, it never failed to make him smile. It was corny; a picture that a person had offered to take of them in front of the Eiffel Tower. They never planned on taking a picture, but the girl was sweet and insisted on it, so Agron handed her his camera and they took their places, Agron wrapping his arm around Nasir's shoulders. He looked down at Nasir with a bright smile on his face, but Nasir was looking at the camera. That's when she took the picture. It was only fitting that the same look of admiration Agron had in the picture would be the way he felt when he opened his wallet and saw it there everyday. Nasir's smile was the most beautiful thing.

 

 

_“Why you?” Agron said. It was the first time he brought something like that up. For the most part he tried not to think about it too much, while always accepting it. That was a difficult task in and of itself, and he never questioned why things were the way they were, but since Nasir told him in Paris and Agron came back to him in New York, there were many things he thought about. Certain thoughts wouldn't leave him alone, and this was one of them._

_Nasir looked up at him through a fringe of black hair. The television played a movie in the background but they had stopped watching it a while ago. A blanket covered their laps, and for a while Nasir had dozed off, pressed against Agron's side, Agron's strong arm around him, holding him close. He felt a weak smile on his lips and Agron looked at him, green eyes seemingly searching for something in his face. Agron reached over and pushed the fringe of hair behind Nasir's ear._

_“What do you mean?” He asked, voice slightly rough since he was unconscious not too long ago. Agron pulled him in closer, pulling the blanket up so it covered Nasir's back._

_“Why you, out of everyone?” Agron knew he was sounding childish, immature, and naïve, even, but he couldn't stop himself. Nasir was a good person, and Agron was in love with him. More so than with anyone else before, and it pained him to know that they wouldn't be able to spend the rest of their lives together like they wished._

_“Who am I?” Nasir asked, shrugging slightly. “I'm just another guy. This could have happened to anyone, and it did. It happened to me. I'm,” he paused for a second, wetting his lips, “no one. I don't deserve special treatment from the cosmos.” This sat uneasily with Agron, and he couldn't help the pout on his face. Nasir laughed and kissed him, trying to reassure him with a touch of his lips._

_“Do you...” Agron took a deep breath before he continued. He hoped this wouldn't sound stupid. “Believe in the afterlife?” Nasir took the comment in, pondering it for a moment. He rested his head against Agron's chest and stared off somewhere into the corner of the room._

_“I think,” he said. “I've never been religious, but... I don't think I'm a bad person,” he looked up and met Agron's eyes again. “I don't know if I believe in God, but if there is one... I don't think He requires that you worship him, y'know? Whoever God is, if He thinks you're a good person, a righteous person, then you... have an afterlife.”_

_Agron felt his throat tightening, and he looked away from Nasir for a moment, tried to stop the emotions that were just bubbling on the surface._

_“You know what I think Heaven is like?” Agron asked. He looked at Nasir's face, calm and waiting, before continuing. “It's perfect. You're there, and it's all of your best memories. That's all you do. You live in the place you loved the most, and you spend eternity re-living every enjoyable moment you had. Just like a playback, only you skip over the bad parts.”_

_Nasir made a small, content sound, and he reached up and placed his slightly cold hand on the side of Agron's face, their eyes meeting again. Wordlessly, he leaned in, and their foreheads touched. They stayed like that for a while. Agron didn't even realize he was crying until Nasir was kissing the tears away._

_“Well,” Nasir said, tears threatening to fall from his eyes as well. “You'll be in a lot of those memories,” he said, a smile making its way to his face. “I'll re-live every memory with you. They were all good.” Agron pressed his face against Nasir's shoulder, and now he was the one that needed reassurance. He found strength in the other man, the scent of his skin and the feel of a hand on the back of his neck, squeezing gently._

_“Wait for me,” Agron whispered. Perhaps it was a bit silly, but that's all he wanted at that moment. To know that Nasir would be there when it was his time._

_“Of course,” he said. Agron picked his head up Nasir took his face in both of his hands, then pressed a lingering kiss to his forehead. “I'll always wait for you,” he promised._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is finally finished. Thank you so much for everyone on here and on Tumblr that has supported me. It feels odd finally putting this piece to rest after working on it for what seemed like so long. I hope this story has provided you with some entertainment and good feelings (along with some not-so-good ones).
> 
> Thank you all for reading, and it has been a pleasure writing this.


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